MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING

Act 5 Scene 1

(Enter Leonato and Antonio his brother)
l1l	Antonio	 If you go on thus, you will kill yourself,
l2l		And ’tis not wisdom thus to second grief
l3l		Against yourself.
	Leonato	I pray thee cease thy counsel,
l4l		Which falls into mine ears as profitless
l5l		As water in a sieve. Give not me counsel,
l6l		Nor let no comforter delight mine ear
l7l		But such a one whose wrongs do suit with mine.
l8l		Bring me a father that so loved his child,
l9l		Whose joy of her is overwhelmed like mine,
l10l		And bid him speak of patience.
l11l		Measure his woe the length and breadth of mine,
l12l		And let it answer every strain for strain,
l13l		As thus for thus, and such a grief for such,
l14l		In every lineament, branch, shape, and form.
l15l		If such a one will smile and stroke his beard,
l16l		Bid sorrow wag, cry “hem” when he should groan,
l17l		Patch grief with proverbs, make misfortune drunk
l18l		With candle-wasters, bring him yet to me,
l19l		And I of him will gather patience.
l20l		But there is no such man, for, brother, men
l21l		Can counsel and speak comfort to that grief
l22l		Which they themselves not feel, but tasting it
l23l		Their counsel turns to passion, which before
l24l		Would give preceptial medicine to rage,
l25l		Fetter strong madness in a silken thread,
l26l		Charm ache with air and agony with words.
l27l		No, no, ’tis all men’s office to speak patience
l28l		To those that wring under the load of sorrow,
l29l		But no man’s virtue nor sufficiency
l30l		To be so moral when he shall endure
l31l		The like himself. Therefore give me no counsel.
l32l		My griefs cry louder than advertisement.
l33l	Antonio	Therein do men from children nothing differ.
l34l	Leonato	I pray thee peace, I will be flesh and blood,
l35l		For there was never yet philosopher
l36l		That could endure the toothache patiently,
l37l		However they have writ the style of gods,
l38l		And made a pish at chance and sufferance.
l39l	Antonio	Yet bend not all the harm upon yourself.
l40l		Make those that do offend you suffer, too.
l41l	Leonato	There thou speak’st reason, nay I will do so.
l42l		My soul doth tell me Hero is belied,
l43l		And that shall Claudio know, so shall the Prince,
l44l		And all of them that thus dishonour her.
		(Enter Don Pedro the Prince and Claudio)
l45l	Antonio	 Here comes the Prince and Claudio hastily.
l46l	Don Pedro	Good e’en, good e’en.
	Claudio	Good day to both of you.
l47l	Leonato	Hear you, my lords?
	Don Pedro	We have some haste, Leonato.
l48l	Leonato	Some haste, my lord! Well, fare you well, my lord.
l49l		Are you so hasty now? Well, all is one.
l50l	Don Pedro	Nay, do not quarrel with us, good old man.
l51l	Antonio	If he could right himself with quarrelling,
l52l		Some of us would lie low.
	Claudio	Who wrongs him?
l53l	Leonato	Marry, thou dost wrong me, thou dissembler, thou.
l54l		Nay, never lay thy hand upon thy sword,
l55l		I fear thee not.
	Claudio	Marry, beshrew my hand
l56l		If it should give your age such cause of fear.
l57l		In faith, my hand meant nothing to my sword.
l58l	Leonato	Tush, tush, man, never fleer and jest at me.
l59l		I speak not like a dotard nor a fool,
l60l		As under privilege of age to brag
l61l		What I have done being young, or what would do
l62l		Were I not old. Know Claudio to thy head,
l63l		Thou hast so wronged mine innocent child and me
l64l		That I am forced to lay my reverence by
l65l		And with grey hairs and bruise of many days
l66l		Do challenge thee to trial of a man.
l67l		I say thou hast belied mine innocent child.
l68l		Thy slander hath gone through and through her heart,
l69l		And she lies buried with her ancestors,
l70l		O, in a tomb where never scandal slept
l71l		Save this of hers, framed by thy villainy.
l72l	Claudio	My villainy?
	Leonato	Thine, Claudio, thine I say.
l73l	Don Pedro	You say not right, old man.
	Leonato	My lord, my lord,
l74l		I’ll prove it on his body if he dare,
l75l		Despite his nice fence and his active practice,
l76l		His May of youth and bloom of lustihood.
l77l	Claudio	Away, I will not have to do with you.
l78l	Leonato	Canst thou so doff me? Thou hast killed my child.
l79l		If thou kill’st me, boy, thou shalt kill a man.
l80l	Antonio	He shall kill two of us, and men indeed.
l81l		But that’s no matter, let him kill one first.
l82l		Win me and wear me. Let him answer me.
l83l		Come follow me boy, come sir boy, come follow me,
l84l		Sir boy, I’ll whip you from your foining fence.
l85l		Nay, as I am a gentleman, I will.
l86l	Leonato	Brother.
l87l	Antonio	Content yourself. God knows, I loved my niece,
l88l		And she is dead, slandered to death by villains
l89l		That dare as well answer a man indeed
l90l		As I dare take a serpent by the tongue.
l91l		Boys, apes, braggarts, jacks, milksops!
l92l	Leonato	Brother Antony—
l93l	Antonio	Hold you content. What, man, I know them, yea
l94l		And what they weigh, even to the utmost scruple.
l95l		Scambling, outfacing, fashion-monging boys,
l96l		That lie, and cog, and flout, deprave, and slander,
l97l		Go anticly, and show an outward hideousness,
l98l		And speak off half a dozen dangerous words,
l99l		How they might hurt their enemies, if they durst,
l100l		And this is all.
l101l	Leonato	But brother Antony—
l102l	Antonio	Come, ’tis no matter,
l103l		Do not you meddle, let me deal in this.
l104l	Don Pedro	Gentlemen both, we will not wake your patience.
l105l		My heart is sorry for your daughter’s death,
l106l		But on my honour she was charged with nothing
l107l		But what was true and very full of proof.
l108l	Leonato	My lord, my lord—
	Don Pedro	I will not hear you.
l109l	Leonato	No? Come brother, away. I will be heard.
l110l	Antonio	And shall, or some of us will smart for it.
		(Exeunt Leonato and Antonio)
l111l		(Enter Benedick)
		Don Pedro	 See, see, here comes the man we went to seek.
l112l	Claudio	 Now signor, what news?
l113l	Benedick	(to Don Pedro)
		 Good day, my lord.
l114l	Don Pedro	Welcome, signor. You are almost come to part
l115l		almost a fray.
l116l	Claudio	We had liked to have had our two noses snapped
l117l		off with two old men without teeth.
l118l	Don Pedro	Leonato and his brother. What thinkest thou?
l119l		Had we fought, I doubt we should have been too young
l120l		for them.
l121l	Benedick	In a false quarrel there is no true valour. I came
l122l		to seek you both.
l123l	Claudio	We have been up and down to seek thee, for we
l124l		are high-proof melancholy and would fain have it
l125l		beaten away. Wilt thou use thy wit?
l126l	Benedick	It is in my scabbard. Shall I draw it?
l127l	Don Pedro	Dost thou wear thy wit by thy side?
l128l	Claudio	Never any did so, though very many have been
l129l		beside their wit. I will bid thee draw as we do the
l130l		minstrels, draw to pleasure us.
l131l	Don Pedro	As I am an honest man he looks pale. Art
l132l		thou sick, or angry?
l133l	Claudio	What, courage, man. What though care killed
l134l		a cat, thou hast mettle enough in thee to kill care.
l135l	Benedick	Sir, I shall meet your wit in the career an you
l136l		charge it against me. I pray you choose another subject.
l137l	Claudio	Nay then, give him another staff. This last was
l138l		broke cross.
l139l	Don Pedro	By this light, he changes more and more. I
l140l		think he be angry indeed.
l141l	Claudio	If he be, he knows how to turn his girdle.
l142l	Benedick	(aside to Claudio)
		 Shall I speak a word in your
l143l		ear?
l144l	Claudio	God bless me from a challenge.
l145l	Benedick	You are a villain. I jest not. I will make it good
l146l		how you dare, with what you dare, and when you
l147l		dare. Do me right, or I will protest your cowardice.
l148l		You have killed a sweet lady, and her death shall fall
l149l		heavy on you. Let me hear from you.
l150l	Claudio	Well, I will meet you, so I may have good cheer.
l151l	Don Pedro	What, a feast, a feast?
l152l	Claudio	I’ faith, I thank him, he hath bid me to a calf’s
l153l		head and a capon, the which if I do not carve most
l154l		curiously, say my knife’s naught. Shall I not find a
l155l		woodcock too?
l156l	Benedick	Sir, your wit ambles well, it goes easily.
l157l	Don Pedro	I’ll tell thee how Beatrice praised thy wit the
l158l		other day. I said thou hadst a fine wit. “True,” said she,
l159l		“a fine little one.” “No,” said I, “a great wit.” “Right,”
l160l		says she, “a great gross one.” “Nay,” said I, “a good wit.”
l161l		“Just,” said she, “it hurts nobody.” “Nay,” said I, “the
l162l		gentleman is wise.” “Certain,” said she, “a wise gentleman.”
l163l		“Nay,” said I, “he hath the tongues.” “That I
l164l		believe,” said she, “for he swore a thing to me on
l165l		Monday night which he forswore on Tuesday morning.
l166l		There’s a double tongue, there’s two tongues.” Thus
l167l		did she an hour together trans-shape thy particular
l168l		virtues, yet at last she concluded with a sigh thou wast
l169l		the properest man in Italy.
l170l	Claudio	For the which she wept heartily and said she
l171l		cared not.
l172l	Don Pedro	Yea, that she did. But yet for all that, an if
l173l		she did not hate him deadly she would love him dearly.
l174l		The old man’s daughter told us all.
l175l	Claudio	All, all. And moreover, God saw him when he
l176l		was hid in the garden.
l177l	Don Pedro	But when shall we set the savage bull’s horns
l178l		on the sensible Benedick’s head?
l179l	Claudio	Yea, and text underneath, “Here dwells Benedick
l180l		the married man”.
l181l	Benedick	Fare you well, boy, you know my mind. I will
l182l		leave you now to your gossip-like humour. You break
l183l		jests as braggarts do their blades which, God be
l184l		thanked, hurt not.
		(To Don Pedro)
		 My lord, for your
l185l		many courtesies I thank you. I must discontinue your
l186l		company. Your brother the bastard is fled from Messina.
l187l		You have among you killed a sweet and innocent lady.
l188l		For my lord Lackbeard there, he and I shall meet, and
l189l		till then, peace be with him.
		(Exit)
l190l	Don Pedro	 He is in earnest.
l191l	Claudio	In most profound earnest, and, I’ll warrant you,
l192l		for the love of Beatrice.
l193l	Don Pedro	And hath challenged thee.
l194l	Claudio	Most sincerely.
l195l	Don Pedro	What a pretty thing man is when he goes in
l196l		his doublet and hose and leaves off his wit!
		(Enter Dogberry and Verges the constables, the Watch, Conrad, and Borachio)
l197l	Claudio	 He is then a giant to an ape. But then is an ape
l198l		a doctor to such a man.
l199l	Don Pedro	But soft you, let me be. Pluck up, my heart,
l200l		and be sad. Did he not say my brother was fled?
l201l	Dogberry	Come you sir, if justice cannot tame you, she
l202l		shall ne’er weigh more reasons in her balance. Nay, an
l203l		you be a cursing hypocrite once, you must be looked to.
l204l	Don Pedro	How now, two of my brother’s men bound?
l205l		Borachio one.
l206l	Claudio	Hearken after their offence, my lord.
l207l	Don Pedro	Officers, what offence have these men done?
l208l	Dogberry	Marry, sir, they have committed false report,
l209l		moreover they have spoken untruths, secondarily they
l210l		are slanders, sixth and lastly they have belied a lady,
l211l		thirdly they have verified unjust things, and to
l212l		conclude, they are lying knaves.
l213l	Don Pedro	First I ask thee what they have done, thirdly
l214l		I ask thee what’s their offence, sixth and lastly why
l215l		they are committed, and to conclude, what you lay to
l216l		their charge.
l217l	Claudio	Rightly reasoned, and in his own division. And
l218l		by my troth there’s one meaning well suited.
l219l	Don Pedro	(to Conrad and Borachio)
		 Who have you
l220l		offended, masters, that you are thus bound to your
l221l		answer? This learned constable is too cunning to be
l222l		understood. What’s your offence?
l223l	Borachio	Sweet Prince, let me go no farther to mine
l224l		answer. Do you hear me, and let this Count kill me. I
l225l		have deceived even your very eyes. What your wisdoms
l226l		could not discover, these shallow fools have brought
l227l		to light, who in the night overheard me confessing to
l228l		this man how Don John your brother incensed me to
l229l		slander the Lady Hero, how you were brought into the
l230l		orchard and saw me court Margaret in Hero’s garments,
l231l		how you disgraced her when you should marry her.
l232l		My villainy they have upon record, which I had rather
l233l		seal with my death than repeat over to my shame. The
l234l		lady is dead upon mine and my master’s false
l235l		accusation, and briefly, I desire nothing but the reward
l236l		of a villain.
l237l	Don Pedro	(to Claudio)
		 Runs not this speech like iron through your blood?
l238l	Claudio	I have drunk poison whiles he uttered it.
l239l	Don Pedro	(to Borachio)
		 But did my brother set thee on to this?
l240l	Borachio	Yea, and paid me richly for the practice of it.
l241l	Don Pedro	He is composed and framed of treachery,
l242l		And fled he is upon this villainy.
l243l	Claudio	Sweet Hero, now thy image doth appear
l244l		In the rare semblance that I loved it first.
l245l	Dogberry	 Come, bring away the plaintiffs. By this time
l246l		our Sexton hath reformed Signor Leonato of the matter.
l247l		And masters, do not forget to specify, when time and
l248l		place shall serve, that I am an ass.
l249l	Verges	Here, here comes Master Signor Leonato, and the
l250l		Sexton, too.
		(Enter Leonato, Antonio his brother, and the Sexton)
l251l	Leonato	 Which is the villain? Let me see his eyes,
l252l		That when I note another man like him
l253l		I may avoid him. Which of these is he?
l254l	Borachio	If you would know your wronger, look on me.
l255l	Leonato	Art thou the slave that with thy breath hast killed
l256l		Mine innocent child?
	Borachio	Yea, even I alone.
l257l	Leonato	No, not so, villain, thou beliest thyself.
l258l		Here stand a pair of honourable men.
l259l		A third is fled that had a hand in it.
l260l		I thank you, Princes, for my daughter’s death.
l261l		Record it with your high and worthy deeds.
l262l		’Twas bravely done, if you bethink you of it.
l263l	Claudio	I know not how to pray your patience,
l264l		Yet I must speak. Choose your revenge yourself,
l265l		Impose me to what penance your invention
l266l		Can lay upon my sin. Yet sinned I not
l267l		But in mistaking.
	Don Pedro	By my soul, nor I,
l268l		And yet to satisfy this good old man
l269l		I would bend under any heavy weight
l270l		That he’ll enjoin me to.
l271l	Leonato	I cannot bid you bid my daughter live—
l272l		That were impossible—but I pray you both
l273l		Possess the people in Messina here
l274l		How innocent she died, and if your love
l275l		Can labour aught in sad invention,
l276l		Hang her an epitaph upon her tomb
l277l		And sing it to her bones, sing it tonight.
l278l		Tomorrow morning come you to my house,
l279l		And since you could not be my son-in-law,
l280l		Be yet my nephew. My brother hath a daughter,
l281l		Almost the copy of my child that’s dead,
l282l		And she alone is heir to both of us.
l283l		Give her the right you should have giv’n her cousin,
l284l		And so dies my revenge.
	Claudio	O noble sir!
l285l		Your overkindness doth wring tears from me.
l286l		I do embrace your offer# and dispose
l287l		For henceforth of poor Claudio.
l288l	Leonato	Tomorrow then I will expect your coming.
l289l		Tonight I take my leave. This naughty man
l290l		Shall face to face be brought to Margaret,
l291l		Who I believe was packed in all this wrong,
l292l		Hired to it by your brother.
	Borachio	No, by my soul, she was not,
l293l		Nor knew not what she did when she spoke to me,
l294l		But always hath been just and virtuous
l295l		In anything that I do know by her.
l296l	Dogberry	(to Leonato)
		 Moreover, sir, which indeed is not
l297l		under white and black, this plaintiff here, the offender,
l298l		did call me ass. I beseech you let it be remembered in
l299l		his punishment. And also the watch heard them talk
l300l		of one Deformed. They say he wears a key in his ear
l301l		and a lock hanging by it, and borrows money in God’s
l302l		name, the which he hath used so long and never paid
l303l		that now men grow hard-hearted and will lend nothing
l304l		for God’s sake. Pray you examine him upon that point.
l305l	Leonato	 I thank thee for thy care and honest pains.
l306l	Dogberry	 Your worship speaks like a most thankful and
l307l		reverend youth, and I praise God for you.
l308l	Leonato	(giving him money)
		 There’s for thy pains.
l309l	Dogberry	God save the foundation.
l310l	Leonato	Go. I discharge thee of thy prisoner, and I thank
l311l		thee.
l312l	Dogberry	I leave an arrant knave with your worship,
l313l		which I beseech your worship to correct yourself, for
l314l		the example of others. God keep your worship, I wish
l315l		your worship well. God restore you to health. I humbly
l316l		give you leave to depart, and if a merry meeting may
l317l		be wished, God prohibit it. Come, neighbour.
		(Exeunt Dogberry and Verges)
l318l	Leonato	 Until tomorrow morning, lords, farewell.
l319l	Antonio	Farewell, my lords. We look for you tomorrow.
l320l	Don Pedro	We will not fail.
	Claudio	Tonight I’ll mourn with Hero.
l321l	Leonato	(to the Watch)
		 Bring you these fellows on.—We’ll talk with Margaret
l322l		How her acquaintance grew with this lewd fellow.
		(Exeunt)